Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Random
I am not an easy person to miss. I am not the type of person who is hard to live without.
Worlds did not crumble when I left. Realities weren't shattered. Nobody curled up in a ball, shivering in a space dwarfed by my absence. I left no gaping holes, no empty gaps, no vortices and vacuums.
I've been asked many times how it can be so easy for me to uproot myself, and take off, and disappear. It's never easy. But perhaps it's not quite that difficult for me, because there are a few things that I do know.
I have never been the sun in anyone's solar system. I still don't know how it must feel to be the center of a universe that isn't mine. When I walk a certain path, my footprints are easy to sweep away. My departures are not cause for grounds to crack or skies to fall. When I leave, I leave with the knowledge that the tides need only to fall back, that life must shift only a few degrees, and everything will be alright, routine, normal. Perhaps I am remembered, sometimes I may even be missed, but only in the way that summers are longed for, and mangoes craved out-of-season. I am rarely ever needed in the way that needs can cause aches and tears and pains.
I know this about myself. And it's not entirely a bad thing. Not entirely sad. It moves my story forward, makes my world go round. It's a choice I made, to live life my way, and most times, that's enough.
But there are days -- like this one -- when I wish it wasn't.
Worlds did not crumble when I left. Realities weren't shattered. Nobody curled up in a ball, shivering in a space dwarfed by my absence. I left no gaping holes, no empty gaps, no vortices and vacuums.
I've been asked many times how it can be so easy for me to uproot myself, and take off, and disappear. It's never easy. But perhaps it's not quite that difficult for me, because there are a few things that I do know.
I have never been the sun in anyone's solar system. I still don't know how it must feel to be the center of a universe that isn't mine. When I walk a certain path, my footprints are easy to sweep away. My departures are not cause for grounds to crack or skies to fall. When I leave, I leave with the knowledge that the tides need only to fall back, that life must shift only a few degrees, and everything will be alright, routine, normal. Perhaps I am remembered, sometimes I may even be missed, but only in the way that summers are longed for, and mangoes craved out-of-season. I am rarely ever needed in the way that needs can cause aches and tears and pains.
I know this about myself. And it's not entirely a bad thing. Not entirely sad. It moves my story forward, makes my world go round. It's a choice I made, to live life my way, and most times, that's enough.
But there are days -- like this one -- when I wish it wasn't.
1:58:00 AM
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