Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Random Reflectionary Rants
Something's been bothering me a bit over the last couple of days, and I really just have to get this out of my system.
It's been over a year since my break-up. I've kept pretty quiet about it, because I was never one to air my dirty laundry out in public. But girls and boys, this has to stop. It truly bothers me that people automatically assume that I was the one who first let go. That I was the one who backed away from commitment. That I was the one who gave up.
I didn't. I wasn't. The truth? I would have loved a happily ever after. No matter how misguided, I would have fought for forever. But I couldn't, because he had already let me go. Simple as that. Clear cut as that. No ifs or buts.
It's not his fault, of course. People change, emotions shift, men fall in and out of love. My ex was -- is --- a good, good man. But even good men have to make tough choices, and really, it was the only choice he could have made for himself. I've always understood that. And I appreciate his honesty, his candor, and, strangely enough, I also appreciate the courage it must have taken to break his best friend's heart.
I like to believe that he knew me and trusted my strength. I like to believe that he understood that I was looking for something else, and that although we were good for the time that we were together, our paths had ceased to intertwine. I had become antsy. I was beginning to resent being tied down and held to a certain place. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: he helped me find myself by loving me, and then he helped me find myself again by letting me go. And really, what more could I have asked?
***
I've realized that although I sometimes do envy my friends their perfect white weddings, I've come to accept that a marriage may really just not be for me.
The next person I share myself with (and god only knows when that's going to be) will have to be fundamentally like me, I think: introspective, a bit nomadic, open-minded, assertive, and absolutely okay with an unconventional relationship. I DO NOT want to be one half of a whole. I am whole in and unto myself. I DO NOT want to complete anyone. I want someone who is complete in and unto himself.
I want someone curious about the world, someone who doesn't mind me coming and going as I please, someone who thinks and pauses to examine "places far and deep in his mind". I want someone who is okay on his own, who doesn't need me to prop him up, but who WANTS me nonetheless, simply because he can feel himself "shining under the light of my gaze". I want someone who won't tie me down, but who will be there when I need him most. I want a romantic, an idealist, a part-time philosopher. I want someone who can meet me halfway, who can be alone, who can leave me alone. I want someone who has the balls to tell me off when necessary, in ways that will make sense to me.
Finally, I want someone I can truly love. Unconditionally. No holds barred, no exits, no plan b's. And I want someone who will at least try to love me the same way, warts and all. Tall order, huh? Well, I've always been a closet romantic.
Plus if things don't work out, I can always adopt cats. Lots and lots of cats. ;)
***
Ask and you shall receive. Let's see what the universe comes up with.
It's been over a year since my break-up. I've kept pretty quiet about it, because I was never one to air my dirty laundry out in public. But girls and boys, this has to stop. It truly bothers me that people automatically assume that I was the one who first let go. That I was the one who backed away from commitment. That I was the one who gave up.
I didn't. I wasn't. The truth? I would have loved a happily ever after. No matter how misguided, I would have fought for forever. But I couldn't, because he had already let me go. Simple as that. Clear cut as that. No ifs or buts.
It's not his fault, of course. People change, emotions shift, men fall in and out of love. My ex was -- is --- a good, good man. But even good men have to make tough choices, and really, it was the only choice he could have made for himself. I've always understood that. And I appreciate his honesty, his candor, and, strangely enough, I also appreciate the courage it must have taken to break his best friend's heart.
I like to believe that he knew me and trusted my strength. I like to believe that he understood that I was looking for something else, and that although we were good for the time that we were together, our paths had ceased to intertwine. I had become antsy. I was beginning to resent being tied down and held to a certain place. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: he helped me find myself by loving me, and then he helped me find myself again by letting me go. And really, what more could I have asked?
***
I've realized that although I sometimes do envy my friends their perfect white weddings, I've come to accept that a marriage may really just not be for me.
The next person I share myself with (and god only knows when that's going to be) will have to be fundamentally like me, I think: introspective, a bit nomadic, open-minded, assertive, and absolutely okay with an unconventional relationship. I DO NOT want to be one half of a whole. I am whole in and unto myself. I DO NOT want to complete anyone. I want someone who is complete in and unto himself.
I want someone curious about the world, someone who doesn't mind me coming and going as I please, someone who thinks and pauses to examine "places far and deep in his mind". I want someone who is okay on his own, who doesn't need me to prop him up, but who WANTS me nonetheless, simply because he can feel himself "shining under the light of my gaze". I want someone who won't tie me down, but who will be there when I need him most. I want a romantic, an idealist, a part-time philosopher. I want someone who can meet me halfway, who can be alone, who can leave me alone. I want someone who has the balls to tell me off when necessary, in ways that will make sense to me.
Finally, I want someone I can truly love. Unconditionally. No holds barred, no exits, no plan b's. And I want someone who will at least try to love me the same way, warts and all. Tall order, huh? Well, I've always been a closet romantic.
Plus if things don't work out, I can always adopt cats. Lots and lots of cats. ;)
***
Ask and you shall receive. Let's see what the universe comes up with.
12:19:00 AM
