Monday, June 29, 2009
a note about whatever... aka I'm rambling
I'm in what I call a 'space in my head'. That usually means I'm writing (and that I've been writing for awhile), and my mind is so immersed in a world of my own making, that it feels weird sometimes when I have to break the surface.
I've been in this same space in my head for a week now, more or less. If I didn't have a date and time stamp on my laptop, I would most likely have no concept of time. And it's been good. I feel productive. I feel sane. I feel myself... only...
It's the "only's" that will break you down, really.
Only. I can still remember the last time I felt like this, the last time I'd written like this. Strange how a memory can feel so distant and so close at the same time. I was still in our condo in Vegas. With John. Cooking lovely dinners. Making ice cream from scratch. Grilling steaks, baking pies, growing a veritable garden of tomatoes in a damn corner of the dining room.
I was living a completely different life, and I have to admit, the thought makes me sad. Don't get me wrong, I don't long for that life anymore; I don't want it back. It's just that it still makes me sad when I think about how we've had to break away from what was such a happy time (well, at least I was happy, can't really speak for the other party now, under the circumstances, can I?), so that we could find ourselves and become whoever we were meant to be. It makes me sad our togetherness was the price I've had to pay for my "I". It makes me sad that we had to break up for me to piece myself together.
And, well let's be honest. Every time a memory leads to the somewhat hazy knowledge that the person I was in love with chose to give me up, well, obviously I feel sad. I'm a romantic, and part of me would have loved to have been saved like a princess. But that would have been just one moment, wouldn't it? I don't want a love based on just one moment anymore.
Still, I don't blame him, I never have. He has his reasons, of course, and I know that. I even know a bit of the whys and the whens, and I can even understand them. I just still have a hard time reconciling myself to the hows, and the eventual nullification of a happily ever after, that's all. But I'm working on it. After all, people change, times change, the world moves on. As do I.
Well. Back to work then.
I've been in this same space in my head for a week now, more or less. If I didn't have a date and time stamp on my laptop, I would most likely have no concept of time. And it's been good. I feel productive. I feel sane. I feel myself... only...
It's the "only's" that will break you down, really.
Only. I can still remember the last time I felt like this, the last time I'd written like this. Strange how a memory can feel so distant and so close at the same time. I was still in our condo in Vegas. With John. Cooking lovely dinners. Making ice cream from scratch. Grilling steaks, baking pies, growing a veritable garden of tomatoes in a damn corner of the dining room.
I was living a completely different life, and I have to admit, the thought makes me sad. Don't get me wrong, I don't long for that life anymore; I don't want it back. It's just that it still makes me sad when I think about how we've had to break away from what was such a happy time (well, at least I was happy, can't really speak for the other party now, under the circumstances, can I?), so that we could find ourselves and become whoever we were meant to be. It makes me sad our togetherness was the price I've had to pay for my "I". It makes me sad that we had to break up for me to piece myself together.
And, well let's be honest. Every time a memory leads to the somewhat hazy knowledge that the person I was in love with chose to give me up, well, obviously I feel sad. I'm a romantic, and part of me would have loved to have been saved like a princess. But that would have been just one moment, wouldn't it? I don't want a love based on just one moment anymore.
Still, I don't blame him, I never have. He has his reasons, of course, and I know that. I even know a bit of the whys and the whens, and I can even understand them. I just still have a hard time reconciling myself to the hows, and the eventual nullification of a happily ever after, that's all. But I'm working on it. After all, people change, times change, the world moves on. As do I.
Well. Back to work then.
11:37:00 AM
