Monday, May 25, 2009
The Choice
I am ready to leave. I will leave by late this year or early next. I just need to concretize the plans: job, lodging, etc.
I have been so antsy it's making me crazy. I thought coming here would help me de-stress a bit, and it did for a little while, but I'm ready to take the next step now. And staying here, feeling like my life is in limbo, is just not good for my health (sleepless nights and stress patches can't be healthy). I tried to convince myself to stay, but I JUST CAN'T. And that trip to Europe just put everything in perspective. I want to travel, and if I stay here, that's just going to be a pipe dream for many, many years. I am not attracted to Filipino guys (and by the looks of things, I may be too strange a brew for them as well), so I'm not sure I'll ever find any kind of romance here. My credentials never seem to be a good fit with Manila's various industries. I feel like an outcast here sometimes, like my perspective, my whole paradigm is askew, and I am so sick and tired of asking myself what's wrong with me. I know what's wrong. I am not where I belong right now. Here is not where I need to be. That's what's wrong.
I am 28 years old. I have two master's degrees, both from the US. I have BEEN married (yes, past tense). I've traveled. I've been a dog-walker, a licensed real estate agent, a New York City public school teacher, a nanny, an editor, a writer, and a personal assistant. I've been published (nothing to write home about, obviously, but my byline HAS been printed in magazines and newspapers across the US, plus I did that editorial stint for manhwa). On paper, I've actually led a pretty decent life.
And yet. I feel discontent here. I feel that dreaded mediocrity nipping at my heels here, and I am SO SO SO afraid of getting sucked into the vortex that is Manila, because I know this is not where my dreams are. I feel an urgency to get away, because I know that the longer I stay, the easier it will be for me to forget who I want to be.
The world is too big to settle in just one spot. I will never get over the regret I will feel if I don't move this story forward, if I don't do what I really want to do. I love my family with all my heart - they're all I have, really -- but I love myself too. And this is what I have to do, for myself, to find my place and my purpose in the big, wild world.
It's a big decision - a decision that comes with its own trail of tears. It's not like before, when I first left, because then I always thought I'd come back, and spend the rest of my life in Manila. Now I'm not so sure. Now everything is just a big unknown.
My parents did not raise me to be a spectator. They raised me well, with backbone, with gumption, with the courage to act on my desires and to pursue my dreams, no matter how convoluted they may be. And I am so grateful that they have never hindered my path, no matter how circuitous, no matter how strange. I was made for a different kind of life. I want the adventure, the highs and lows, the multiple passions, the universe's drama.
At this point, I don't know exactly where I'm going. All bets are off now. New York. San Franciso. Maybe even Europe, if I can put together a life there. I don't know what I'll be doing. Dog-walking, tour-guiding, even a desk job --all fair game now. But I will leave, of that I am certain. Because I can't NOT. Because my happiness has always been tangled up with taking the journey.
Wish me luck.
I have been so antsy it's making me crazy. I thought coming here would help me de-stress a bit, and it did for a little while, but I'm ready to take the next step now. And staying here, feeling like my life is in limbo, is just not good for my health (sleepless nights and stress patches can't be healthy). I tried to convince myself to stay, but I JUST CAN'T. And that trip to Europe just put everything in perspective. I want to travel, and if I stay here, that's just going to be a pipe dream for many, many years. I am not attracted to Filipino guys (and by the looks of things, I may be too strange a brew for them as well), so I'm not sure I'll ever find any kind of romance here. My credentials never seem to be a good fit with Manila's various industries. I feel like an outcast here sometimes, like my perspective, my whole paradigm is askew, and I am so sick and tired of asking myself what's wrong with me. I know what's wrong. I am not where I belong right now. Here is not where I need to be. That's what's wrong.
I am 28 years old. I have two master's degrees, both from the US. I have BEEN married (yes, past tense). I've traveled. I've been a dog-walker, a licensed real estate agent, a New York City public school teacher, a nanny, an editor, a writer, and a personal assistant. I've been published (nothing to write home about, obviously, but my byline HAS been printed in magazines and newspapers across the US, plus I did that editorial stint for manhwa). On paper, I've actually led a pretty decent life.
And yet. I feel discontent here. I feel that dreaded mediocrity nipping at my heels here, and I am SO SO SO afraid of getting sucked into the vortex that is Manila, because I know this is not where my dreams are. I feel an urgency to get away, because I know that the longer I stay, the easier it will be for me to forget who I want to be.
The world is too big to settle in just one spot. I will never get over the regret I will feel if I don't move this story forward, if I don't do what I really want to do. I love my family with all my heart - they're all I have, really -- but I love myself too. And this is what I have to do, for myself, to find my place and my purpose in the big, wild world.
It's a big decision - a decision that comes with its own trail of tears. It's not like before, when I first left, because then I always thought I'd come back, and spend the rest of my life in Manila. Now I'm not so sure. Now everything is just a big unknown.
My parents did not raise me to be a spectator. They raised me well, with backbone, with gumption, with the courage to act on my desires and to pursue my dreams, no matter how convoluted they may be. And I am so grateful that they have never hindered my path, no matter how circuitous, no matter how strange. I was made for a different kind of life. I want the adventure, the highs and lows, the multiple passions, the universe's drama.
At this point, I don't know exactly where I'm going. All bets are off now. New York. San Franciso. Maybe even Europe, if I can put together a life there. I don't know what I'll be doing. Dog-walking, tour-guiding, even a desk job --all fair game now. But I will leave, of that I am certain. Because I can't NOT. Because my happiness has always been tangled up with taking the journey.
Wish me luck.
2:06:00 PM
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good luck. i enjoyed reading your posts. i like that line, "my parents did not raise me a spectator", that could be the title of your autobiography :)
god bless.
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god bless.
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