After some soul-searching, I've decided to defer my departure for New York indefinitely.

This is going to be hard for me to say, because I know these words might hurt, but I need to get this out. I am not happy. Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of things going on for me here, I know that. I have a lot of things to stay for -- my family being foremost, my friends a close second. But I was going to leave for ME. And I can't help but feel like I have now put myself on hold. Indefinitely, as it turns out.

I hate it when people tell me stay here. Because it underscores just how much people DON'T understand. Because the things I desire most in life aren't here. Think about that a little. Still, I've had this conversation countless times before. And maybe they're right, maybe it's better to be content with who you are are, and what you have, and what's in the HERE and NOW. Maybe it's stupid to gamble on something that you're never really sure you can make real. And maybe one day I'll come home defeated, tail between my legs.

But I'm not ready to give up on who I could be just yet. I'm just not. And as sad and as selfish as it may sound, I know for a fact that who I want to be is not someone I'm going to find here. I may no longer have a clear picture of that person, but I do know that. My dreams are no longer here, this I know with all of my heart as well.

I feel so misshapen. And caged. And claustrophobic. And un-free. It feels most people expect me to pick up where I left off. Nobody wants to acknowledge the fact that I AM DIFFERENT. I have changed, in ways deep and huge and altogether too many to enumerate. I don't want to put on the same clothes. I don't want to pick up where I left off. I DON'T want to be who I was. I am broken, but also beautiful. I am flawed, but still worthy. I've seen my weaknesses up close, I've stared at my bad and ugly, and I'm okay with all of it. Or at least I'm trying to be.

I'm really only starting to understand what that means, but already I know that I will be stronger for the effort.

It's been a strange road getting to this epiphany. I've had help, and I've derived strength from the fact that I have people beside me who will be there for me, warts and all. You know who you are, and I thank you.

So yes, I'm staying here indefinitely, BUT NOT permanently. I think I must have made the decision a few days ago, but I was so depressed and sad about it, that I could only tell people now. Let me tell you, it was not easy. In fact, making that choice caused me actual grief and pain and I had to resort to crying in the bathroom. It feels necessary for the time being, but it doesn't feel right. I don't feel right.

The fact of the matter is, hurtful as it may sound, a part of me is empty here. Stifled. A part of me will always crave other spaces. I've said it many times before, and it's been true every time I said it: it's just the way I'm made. Look, I will always have a soft spot for Manila. And I love my family with everything I have. But I've tried my best to accept my place here, and it's just not what I want. There, I've said it straight up. God help me, but this is not what I want. And everyday only makes me surer.

"Live the life you of which you dream." And I will again. I just have pay Reality his dues. At least for a little while.

I hope things get better in 2010.

***

Oh and a special shout-out to my mom and dad, who have always been there for me every step of the way. They've always supported the pursuit of my happiness even when it cost them, and even when sometimes I aspired to things they didn't necessarily agree with or understand. I love you, and I can only hope that one day, I can truly, truly make you proud.