Anti-social

I cringe (inwardly) at the thought of maneuvering through layers of painfully forced small talk (so painful I have physical manifestations). I have a tendency to say the wrong things at the most inopportune times. I've heard myself make absolutely no sense.

I'm really socially inept. Honest.

I survive only because I have mastered the art of deflection. I'm good at throwing other people into the spotlight. Dance for me, baby.

I'm just an introvert in disguise.

Get off my back, I'm PMSing

I guess Tampax is God's way of reminding me that I'm human. (Because you guys know how I tend to forget.)

I hate the bloating, the headaches, and the mood swings. I'm already naturally moody (JR prefers the word INSANE, but what the hell does he know?) as it is, so just imagine what happens when you put hormonal imbalances in the mix. Emotional rollercoasters are exhausting.

I need a beer. Or six.

***

Just a week and a half to go! This is actually my last week of university classes! Woohoo.

I should really be studying for tomorrow's final right now, but I'm not in the mood yet. As if I'm ever in the mood to study, right? My classes are fine though, so I shouldn't complain. They're like Fr. Nick's Comm elective back in Ateneo - the hardest part is being in class day in and day and going through the motions.

BTW, I passed the LAST (the second State Exam for Teacher Certification).

***

So much randomness.

Because I'm such a narcissist

But first things first.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY AISBOX!

Now, let's move on to the inevitable Pictures Post because I know you're all dying to know how I'm doing (read: how fat I've gotten). Hehe. Hi MOM!


Me and Pat at the roofdeck of this place called [The?] Heights near Columbia University.


Me, Pat, King, Mark


Me with some of the fellows.

BTW, John is listenning to Jr. Kidlat's Girl-Boy-Bakla-Tombooy song, which strikes me as incredibly hilarious because my dear old boyfriend doesn't speak tagalog and he's not Filipino. Ratatatatat Baby Armalite (something like that) was getting a lot of airplay when we were in the Philippines last February and I guess he just hunted the singer/group down. Haha.

(POI: Is Jr. Kidlat the name of the singer or of the whole group?)

And that's all folks.

Honestly Sushi

Just Something

One of my classmates found my blog a couple of days and after reading the first few entries, was apparently struck by my "honesty". He asked me if the site was more of a diary - a kind of "for friends only" thing. I guess he wasn't sure if he should be reading it or whatever.

I think I've grown to the point where I really don't mind anymore.

The thing is, I'm very EMOTIONALLY honest. I'm not saying that I don't lie, because I do, but I don't lie about the things I think are important. So while I may lie about where I went last night, or how many beers I drank, or if I arrived late or not, I will not lie about how I feel, or what I think, or who I am. I don't deny past sins. I don't apologize for being me. I don't usually volunteer intimate information about myself, but I will answer truthfully when asked. And I like springing my honesty unexpectedly. I like catching people by surprise.

I guess my blog is a reflection of that. I tend to be a very "emotionally honest" writer because that's what I am as a person. My stories, even the fictional ones, are always grounded on some internal truth. Like I've said before, just because some things aren't real doesn't mean they aren't true.

***

Sushi Fridays

So Josh (aka Seung), Marsha (aka Shay-shay) and I went to Ruby Foo's in the city for lunch. Dimsum and sushi. Fun. We had gelattos at Piu Bello's in Forest Hills just before we went home.

I'm beginning to be really happy about my spur of the moment decision to join the Teaching Fellows Program. I like teaching, I'm doing okay in my classes (even though I hate structure and I'm not really that interested in Educational Theory), and I'm meeting a lot of fun people (fun - as in I feel like I'm back in college in Manila). It's funny how these things just happen, isn't it? The biggest things/events/changes in my life all seem to start on a whim. Makes me wonder if some mystical force isn't pulling/pushing me to where I need to be.

On that note, I just heard that they're raising the starting salary for all teachers by around 4k. That's like a raise before we even start working. Hope it happens.

***

Albano is Italian and Medina is supposed to be Spanish-Arabic. Where did I get these names?

To Europe, Yay

So my lovely mom (thanks MOM!) is paying for a huge chunk of my trip to Europe. We're calling it my "graduation gift". (I did actually just graduate with an MFA in Creative Writing, after all.) I'm incredibly spoiled, I know, I know.

So Trix, see you soon! Email me the itinerary. I already applied for a Schengen visa and I'm expecting to hear from the consulate in 8-15 days.

Trix, ano ang chances na isama natin Eastern Europe sa plano? Sobrang cheap daw and sobrang unique and cultural. Kakaiba daw sabi ng... err... pogi(?) kong kaklase. There's Slovenia, the Czech Republic (Prague!), Budapest... o next time na lang? Okay daw puntahan eh. Haha. Kelangan tagalugin dahil punyemas, nahanap ng iba kong mga kaklase si warcar and di ko na alam kung sino bumabasa sa akin. And wala akong kwenta managalog. I know, I know.

Happy happy joy joy. Spoiled talaga ako kay God, noh?

Tired, yet again.

Just Random Stuff

"If I didn't love you, I'd have to love someone else."

Love is a construct, a survival instinct. A coping mechanism to perpetuate existence. We made it up because otherwise we'd all be drowning in pointlessness. And anyone with any measure of depth would already be dead.

I don't mean everything I say. I just like the way sounds jump out of my mouth.

How many times must we lose and find ourselves in this lifetime? It's exhausting work, isn't it?

I read the latest Harry Potter. It was nice and entertaining. A welcome break from school and teaching.

***

Sometimes I'm afraid that all the things that I've kept in the periphery, at the edge of who I am, will suddenly encroach on me until they fill up the space I call my core.

The hundred chores will stifle my hundred dreams, the buzz of the washing machine will drown out the voices in my head, the ching of money will render my stories obsolete. My stories will become but the ramblings of a stranger.

I'm afraid of losing my portals. I'm afraid that they will soon be replaced by white picket fences and sturdy oak doors. I'm afraid of losing sight of who I want to be, and instead grow up to forget all this. I'm afraid that one day I will look back and think that all my past dreams (these dreams) are nothing but the silliness of a young girl I knew a long time ago.

Hello

I'm going to spare you the details of how my summer teaching went this week, because the whole thing just exhausts me. I'm not sure people realize how hard teaching really is. It's very draining - mentally, emotionally, and physically - especially when you get overcrowded classrooms filled with students who are unmotivated, extremely disruptive (bordering on violent), extremely disrespectful, and not a little angry at the world.

So instead, I'm going to talk about peripheral things, like just how much I want to go to Europe! The only problem is I have no time to get a visa. I'm at work from 8:00 -12. Then I'm at school from 1:30 - 6:30. Travel time to school from work is about half an hour. Then an hour for lunch. The Fellows Program has a zero tolerance policy for lateness and absences. The consulates/embassies are closed on weekends. Pray tell, when can I squeeze in an interview for a visa? Still, I'm hoping I'll figure it out somehow.

In other news, I am at my lowest weight since high school. The scale just dipped to 103 lbs this morning. Too tired to eat.

Also, I have to go clothes shopping sometime between now and Sept 1. I have no teacher clothes and I really need to dress in a mature and professional way because I have to compensate for my very young looking face. I need to exude authority somehow.

***

I'm so tired. I have to spend the weekend doing school/work-related things too. Tomorrow I have to finish my crapload of papers. On Sunday I have to meet with Tom (aka Mr.Chong) to discuss our battle plan for next week. Yes, everyday seems like a battle with these kids. I want them to learn and to pass and to see the bigger picture, but I also know that my wanting is useless if they don't want it for themselves.

***

Neil Gaiman was in Manila. I'm so inggit.

Even if I refuse to play

Three names you go by:
1. Wanda
2. Mita
3. Wandawoman

Three screen names you have had:
1. warcar
2. purplegarage
3. 123qwe (hehe, tamad talaga mag-isip)

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. eyebrows
3. skin

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. height - I still think I'm too short
2. legs
3. toes

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Spanish
2. Chinese (at least I think it's part of my heritage)
3. Malay

Three things that scare you:
1. Failure
2. Being mediocre
3. becoming a drone

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. notebook
2. Phone
3. water

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. acceptance
2. i never thought I'd say this, but yeah, comfort
3. respect for personal space

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
LIES:
1. I hate driving.
2. I'm chinese.
3. I would like to be happy for the rest of my life.

TRUTH:
1. I'm afraid of never having enough
2. I sometimes wish I looked more unusual.
3. I can wiggle my ears.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. height... i've always liked tall guys.
2. mestizo... i've always been attracted to people with undecipherable/mixed ethnicities.
3. Broad shoulders.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. writing
2. reading
3. traveling, when finances permit

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. travel
2. see my friends in manila
3. Own a car

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. marine biologist (before I had a falling out with math)
2. nun (way back when...)
3. writer

Three places you want to go to on vacation:
1. Thailand
2. South Africa
3. some place in the Medditeranean

Three kid's names you like:
1. Zoe
2. Magrathea
3. Kyra

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. publish a book
2. travel to Madagascar
3. live in Europe

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I like admiring women. I'd rather look at naked women than naked men. -- ditto
2. I think ANGELINA JOLIE is hot.
3. I have a hard time making friends with girls.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I keep my hair long.
2. I like clothes.
3. I like going to salons, spas. I love getting pampered.

Three celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Johnny Depp
3. ***

Randomness

I got my paycheck yesterday. Woop dee doo. Went drinking with some co-fellows/classmates last night. I'm thinking of a move to Europe or somewhere after all of this. I'm getting bored. Plagued by wanderlust yet again.

I'm seriously considering taking a short trip to Europe next month. I have about 3 weeks of free time between the end of summer training and the start of school. I can meet up with Trixie in Germany or Italy or wherever she'll be. Tempting. I've always wanted to go to Europe and I've never been. Plus I miss my friends from Manila. (It's kind of strange to suddenly have to qualify the term "friends".) We'll see.

I gained five pounds since I started the Teaching Fellows program.

I want to go diving. I want to see the Tubbataha Reef.

Oh and Neil Gaiman is in Manila right now.

There, that's it. I'm not making sense. I know.

I'm a Teacher

I finally found a placement for the fall! I'm going to be teaching eighth grade CTT (collaborative team-teaching) at Thomas J MCCann Woodside School- IS 125. Oh and I got myself transferred out of Long Island City High School for the summer. I'm going to be teaching Math at IS 5 (Walter Crowley)instead, which is weird since I have a bit of an aversion to the subject (and I'm not a Math Fellow), but hey, whatever.

I'm really excited. They offered me the job on the spot, after just a 20 minute interview. The student population is something like 59% hispanic and about 39% asian, which is very representative of the area. The school is just a block from the train station, and the students seem nice enough. There weren't any metal detectors or any police issues at the campus, so I'm fairly certain that this is not that rough a school - hopefully I'm right.

Midterm tomorrow so I got to go romance the books.

Horoscope

Aquarius (me):

If you're not in the mood to socialize with anyone but yourself, don't be forced into it. If anyone is perfectly happy with their own company it's you.

Fights, Lawsuits, and Bodily Harm

Yes, we devoted much time to fights, lawsuits, and bodily harm, especially since we're going to be teaching Special Ed students who may not necessarily understand social cues, have behavioral issues, were recently released from juvenile hall, etc. So I learned that:

- you're not supposed to disrupt a fight. There's a phone in the room that you use to call security. There's no worker's compensation for teachers so if you get injured in the process of trying to disrupt a fight, the system gives you nothing. If you (accidentally) injure a student in the process of disrupting a fight in any way (leaving a mark somehwere because you were holding him back, for instance) you are liable for that and you can get sued.

- you cannot ask the student/s to leave the classroom because that's technically illegal.

- be on your guard on the first day of school when fights do happen. Again, stay out of the fight because it may just be a ploy to get you involved or to launch a united assualt ON YOU.

- watch what you say. Do not make subjective comments AT ALL (these may be misconstrued and in our litiginous society, you may end up in court).

- know what medications (if any) your students are taking and get the parent's permission for the school to be able to administer medication when necessary (epileptic attacks, mental/emotional breakdowns, etc).

- do not smile during your first month. Lay down the law and implement it. Be a firgure of AUTHORITY.


That class was such a reality check. I keep forgetting that as a Special Ed teacher in a high need school, metal detectors, security officers, lawsuits, social workers, run-ins with the law may start to become part of my everyday experience.