The God thing

There is something about the New Age-y Spirituality spiel that grates against me. The whole tirade about God just annoys me, because they talk like they know what they're talking about, when we all know it's a load of bull.

The thought that we are pawns in a universal chess game irritates me, because I refuse to think that the world and its creator could be so utterly pointless.

The thought that there's a great shepherd herding us around like mindless little drones is upsetting. Sheep are sheep. Man is man. Why create the latter if they only had need for the first?

The thought that life is merely a scorecard, that's the worst. As if life was just one big test for which we are graded at the end. Tally up all the rights and the wrongs we've ever committed. God can't be so two-dimensional, can he? Besides, I never liked tests.

We tell ourselves that Man was created in God's image. And yet we perpetually try to make God fit into the image of man -- God as an architect, a chess player, a shepherd, a teacher, the list goes on. I say let Him be. Let Him be God and leave Him alone, instead of trying to make him fit in our infinitely inadequate suppositions of what He is. He's God, for heaven's sake. What chance do our minds even have? I say just be grateful He hasn't yet squashed you like the bug that you are, and leave it at that.

Then again, this is me talking, and I was raised Catholic. Therefore, my background is monotheistic -- I define God as THE perfect, omniscient, omnipotent being from whom the world was originated. In other religions, instead of A GOD, there might be any number of them, and the personification of deity might actually make sense.

***

I got one month to find a job. Wish me luck!

Stuff

BTW, found this napster wannabe online. If you do decide to use them, don't forget to tell them I sent you.

Nothing, really

It’s not easy. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much you give. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and it’s out of your hands. I always found it funny how people automatically assume that when a person has the passion and the drive, that person must surely have the talent as well.

Whoever said that these things must necessarily come hand in hand? Passion and drive can only get you so far. There comes a point along the way when you must honestly take stock of what you have, assess how much better you can truly become, consider the sacrifices you must make in order to be better, and then decide whether you’re willing to make those sacrifices.

For every writer who gets published, there are more than 250,000 serious aspirants in New York alone who will never see their names on the cover of a book.

For every MFA graduate who ends up with a college-level teaching job, there are a hundred others who will lose themselves in copywriting, proofreading, or state welfare.

For every dream that has come true, there are whole neighborhoods teeming with nightmares and cynics, lost souls, whores, addicts. (I’m willing to bet that 80% of them can be found in New York.)

It’s not easy because it wasn’t meant to be. The path to greatness is so hard because it’s the path itself that makes you realize what greatness really is.

Or something like that. I don’t remember the whole cornball reverse pep talk lecture anymore. I have long since chucked this speech since I no longer teach.

But I have to say, it is when I think of these statistics that I remember how idealistic the world still really is. There are a hundred million people who are still willing to uproot themselves and take arms against the whole damn world.

It makes me pause. And smile.

Been a while...

I haven't been updating a lot, I know. I've been flirting with the idea of shutting this blog down for a few months now. I'll probably keep it going until we all completely lose interest.

So. A quick update on my life. I've been feeling confused and slightly depressed lately. I'm on the lookout for a job, but the only people who want to hire me are the people I don't want to work for. I really am dreading the day when I find that I HAVE to work a 9-5 in the city, complete with corporate attire. I dread it so much I get physically sick. And I get anxiety attacks. Sometimes I wake up at night thinking about my future and the anxiety runs so thick it's almost a tangible barricade to sleep. Once in a while it acts up so bad I find myself right smack in the middle of full-blown insomnia. A bottle of sleep aids have found their way in my medicine cabinet for just such occasions.

The trouble is, getting a teaching job sounds so promising on paper, but the reality, especially here in New York, is drastically different. Theoretically, I'm qualified to teach college-level english as soon as I get my Master's degree. In actuality however, the market is so saturated with advanced degree holders that schools can just sit back, relax, and take their pick. This city, after all, is the mecca for writers and other creative types, a large percentage of whom are highly educated and from top schools to boot. So while there is a shortage of people who are qualified to teach, say, Math and Physics, most schools are faced with a surplus of English Faculty candidates. Add to that my inexperience, my youth, and the fact that I didn't go to a US school for my undergraduate degree, well... let's just say I feel like a tiny little David. Only I can't seem to find my slingshot and Goliath brought a hundred of his clones.

I am very near the end of my rope here. I don't really know what else to do. I've tried a variety of jobs, and it always seems like I have to choose between poverty or happiness. And it's all very well to say that money isn't everything, but it is something, and I do have financial obligations - like rent, food, educational debt. The jobs I like pay crap, and the jobs that pay enough make me wish I were dead. As a pathetic compromise, I'm now looking for part-time office work - something that can pay for the roof over my head as well as my student loans. I'll probably hate what I'm doing, but at least I'll only hate it part of the time.

God. Why did I ever have to start growing up?

*****


On the cheery side of things, John and I have been together for two years! Yep, today is our anniversary, and he actually took a day off from work to mark the event. I gave him a silly little book as a present.



This is probably the most creative gift I've ever made in my life ... and the longest to complete. I was low on cash so I knew I had to make up for it somehow, hehe. It's actually pretty nice.

Oh and last nigth we went to the seaport. Me doing my little pose.

St. Patrick's Day

Top o' the Morning to Ya.

It's St. Patty's day tomorrow, which means corned beef and cabbage and kale soup for me. Maybe a Guiness too. My friends and I are going with the Irish motif (by force actually, one of my friends is part Irish) by wearing green (well, maybe I'll let them do that without me) and doing the whole Irish lunch thing. Maybe try to catch the parade (if we can avoid the drunken revellers).

Tomorrow is Beauty and the Beast day too! John and I are watching the Broadway production of B and B after dinner tomorrow night. Should be tons of fun! The last time I saw a full on Broadway musical was last year (Little Shop of Horrors), which is a pity since I live here. We've avoided the huge mainstream attractions since the Halloween parade debacle of 2003, but I think we're now ready to face the throng again.

So, now I'm off to read and write. Got tons of homework.



Oh and I got to wash some clothes. We bought a portable washer, btw (retails for about $200), pictured at left, which is a great buy for apartment dwellers who don't relish the thought of washing their clothes in the same thing someone may have used to wash, say, stinky 7 day old gym socks or poop stained diapers. It's great. It hooks up to the kitchen sink and it's small enough to hide under the kitchen counter when we're not using it. It's also fairly easy to assmble (although the manual sucks).

It's small (duh, portable!) and you have to do the laundry often (about once or twice a week) and in multiple loads, but it's really convenient (wash anytime, even in your pyjamas!) and it sure beats trotting over to the laundromat about three and a half blocks down the street and fighting your way to a free washer and then waiting idly for an hour and a half as the machines finish washing and drying all your clothes.

My blogger code:

B8 d t k+ s+ u-- f i o+ x- e+ l+ c

Hitchhiker's Guide COMING OUT ON APRIL 29!!!

The Hitchhiker's Guide movie is coming out here in the States on April 29, a week earlier than scheduled!!! I'm so excited, I even have a countdown!

I was a little skeptical about Mos Def in the role of Ford Prefect at first, but seeing him in the trailer has allayed much of my fears. Also, the knowledge that most of the people involved in the film are big fans and that Douglas N. Adams (DNA) authored the screenplay (with the tiniest bit of tweaking from Karey KirkPatrick) and that DNA's family even had a cameo... WELL! Let me just say that I CANNOT WAIT.

The new characters, the new plot twists, the new takes on old characters... from what I saw in the trailer and read from the website, everything seems to be in keeping with the whole "essence" of the thing, which is a huge relief to most of the fans (me included), I'm sure. I mean I'm fairly certain that "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (H2G2) fans aren't expecting the film to stay absolutely true to the books/radio play, because that in itself wouldn't be in keeping with DNA's MO*. I think what the fans are really hoping is for the wit and the comedy and all DNA's peculiar insights to still shine through, and that they fight against being buried by CGI and so-called "technical wizardry". (Have you see the TV series??? It's absurdly low-tech and campy as hell!) The effects are certainly there, but they don't look like the focus of the movie. Not from the trailer, anyway.

Ahhhh.... So excited! I cannot wait! I'm so obssesed with The H2G2 universe (and most things DNA), that in the last couple of years I've made quite an attempt to get my hands on as many versions of H2G2 as possible. I've read the individual copies, the More Than Complete version (which offers a bonus novella), and the radio play scripts. I also have the complete radio play and TV series on my computer and the hardbound Ultimate version in my book case. (I'm also a card-carrying member of ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha - yes, I know, I have a habit of taking things WAY too far.)

Anyway, it's coming out on April 29!!! You better believe I'm going to be one of the first ones to see it... I'll probably even pre-order the tickets online! So excited!

* As I'm sure every reader of the series knows, each version of the DNA world often deviates from the version that came before it, making a movie that adhered STRICTLY to the books/radio play/TV show utterly impossible. I mean, which version would they choose??? As it is, even the story line of books with the same title are different depending on when they were released! (And there are a lot of them! Aside from each individual novel in the five-part trilogy and its various incarnations, you have the compiled versions and its different incarnations - The Original Hitchhiker's Guide, the Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide, The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide, The More Than Complete Hithchiker's Guide, etc. - all slightly different, if not downright contradictory.)

Islands on the Brain

I feel like an addict struggling to get through withdrawals. I've stopped crying now, but only because I'm tired of waking up with swollen eyes and a puffy face.

Take me back in your arms...

Snippets

My memories are fragile, ephemeral. I don’t trust myself with them. They either suffocate in my hands or flit away in the hot afternoon sun. So I take pictures. It’s my only recourse. I take pictures with fingers crossed, hoping that the images will be more than just flat stills of moments that I can’t remember.

***

I didn’t factor in the little progressions. I only thought of time in years, not in seconds, not in fleeting thoughts, not in a cascade of minute memories. I yearn for the moments that I have missed/will miss – insider jokes, slips of the tongue, shared bursts of maniacal laughter, medals, proms, first jobs, trophies. I want to linger at the dinner table, telling stories, hearing tales. I want to smile in every picture. I want to hold these little moments that make up a life. I feel guilty. I’m still an ate after all and it eats me up that I am missing out on so much.

***

The other day I went to bed with the realization that my happiness has splintered. I suspect that it has been that way for a long time and I’ve just been in denial.

***

I have been crying in bed at night. The tears just well up in my eyes and I no longer care what or who put them there. All I know is that I can't stop them from falling on my pillow. I can't muffle my sobs anymore. I think of the life that is still waiting for me - my own desperate lover pining away by the window, praying ceaselessly for my return - and I can't help snivelling like a sad little child.

I'm not that strong.