So the new thing at school is this article in the April 2004 issue of Details magazine written by Whitney McNally (or something like that) about Asians and Gays, entitled "Gay or Asian". It depicts a trendy Asian model and a list of things that the two groups may have in common in an attempt at humor. The problem is, it's really just a whole bunch of stereotypical remarks that are not very smart, not very accurate, not very funny, and understandably offensive to a lot of Asians and gays.

Example:
"One cruises for chicken; the other takes it General Tso style. Whether you're into shrimp balls or shaved balls, entering the dragon takes imperial tastes. So choke up on your chopsticks and make sure your lapels are showing. Study hard, grasshopper: A sharp eye will always take home the plumpest eel."

Get a peek at the article itself here.

I seriously think this piece actually had a chance at being humorous, if it had been more intelligently written and better handled. I don't know what was going on in Whitney McNally's head, or if she's really as ignorant as the piece makes her sound, or maybe this was just a desperate dash for a quickly slipping deadline, but she better prepare for the backlash, because it's garanteed to come.

On the other hand, this petition is a little extreme for my tastes. Very Natzi-ish, superior race sort of thing. Just take a look for yourselves.

Busy, busy weekend.

First of all, there was the long due cleaning. Well worth the trouble though. The apartment now looks brighter, airier, and just nicer over all. Vacuumed, swiffered, mopped, dusted, and rearranged things around the place. That took all of Saturday, ofcourse.

The bad thing is we found what looked like termites swarming in the bathroom! We had to call our landlord for that. At first we thought we had ants, but then when we looked them up online,we realized it was termites. Looks like a job for an exterminator.

John and I had made plans for Saturday night, but before we left I baked a cheesecake. White Chocolate and strawberry cheesecake. When it was all baked and nicely cooled, John and I headed off to Meskerem in the village for our anniversay dinner. We had our first date in that resto exactly one year ago yesterday.

The dinner was fun. I ordered chopped raw beef with a glass of pinotage from South Africa, and John ordered chicken with a glass of beaujolais. Ethiopian food, by the way, is eaten Kamayan style, and is usually served with sour flat bread, which you use to scoop up the meat and the sauces. Yes, I can get a little crazy with my food. And I have a penchant for raw things (sushi, sashimi, steak tartare) so I understand that not everyone's going to be able to relate to my food choices. But to me it was all YUMMY.

And then on Sunday, we had a little lunch party in the apartment. We had platters of sushi, a bottle of champagne, some beer, the aforementioned cheesecake, and some cookies. Just a little intimate gathering which lasted longer than I thought it would. Which is always a good sign for parties, right?

Oh, and it was warm enough to wear a strapless dress! Yay.

Taking Stock, Incoherently.

I remember sitting in the Quadbench along EDSA in Ateneo and laughing at Ryan's Secret Garden hair. I was on the floor, my back to the quad, face towards friends sprawled out on the monobloc bench. We laughed until we had convinced every single Atenean that we belonged in a mental asylum.

We did that a lot back then. We laughed at everything from YC Bikini Brief jingles to zapatatos (not a typo) to Speed Racers and Aisa crashing her car into the post beside Gate 1. We laughed until we forgot about classes and problems and breaking/broken hearts. Laughter was our antidote to every toxic thing life could give us. The laughter flattened the bumps in the road, oiled the machinery, somehow kept everything going.

But our laughter also stretched our insides out to each other. Our unique humor was a way to connect our disparate selves. We all knew we were different, we felt the wall between us and "them". We were all alone. All of us alone together.

I don't get that anymore, that shared solitude. I'm no longer a glass bubble in a sea of glass bubbles. No more different I's converging on the side of the same road.

Back then, I spilled my guts nearly everyday. Out in the open. Sinking and floating alternately. Life was so simple, so much smaller. You had the whole world before you, but somehow you could make it all fit in the palm of your hand.

Everyday was just getting up in the morning because you wanted to hear what Calassanz was going to say about Marcel and hope being a little girl and all the quid quids in the world. Great thoughts were easy to come by, they were as accesible as my afternoon philo or lit class. Scandals and dramas were everywhere, but they fit in where you wanted them to be. Profundity was lived out, absorbed while eating my chicken strips from the caf or sandwich from Food For Thought. I could feel myself pushing back the darkness in my mind. It's different now. I'm not pushing anymore, I'm lighting it up one candle at a time.

Standing where I am, I know I miss/will miss being understood, taken apart and assembled again, expertly. My world is splitting up, and I'm afraid of being slit up with it. Because it was my choice. Because I'm no longer sure anyone can put me back together.

Most of all I'm homesick, but not for a place. I'm homesick for a time that will never come again. I'm homesick for talks in an apartment I might never again see, for inumans in bars that have shut down, for beer that will soon be passe. I am homesick for things I will never be a part of -- Lia's first prom, Kyra's new horse, friends' drinking sessions, discovering new bands, writing new poetry, finding new pieces of selves -- lives that will go on without me.

I'm homesick for a space in the universe that I can only watch from a distance.

I feel alone, but it's different this time. Sometimes I feel like there's no one to share my solitude with. The reality hits home. I've made a choice now, to be where I am, to live in another world.

And it's just a little scary.

I just finished assembling two chests of drawers from Ikea. Hammered, glued, screwed and fitted to my heart' content. They came out pretty good. The rest of the nails will have to go in tomorrow though, as I had stop pounding on the wood for fear of waking up the neighbors. John calls me little carpenter girl.

Found this on Joy's page and couldn't resist. Too funny. Mutilated English 101 (Pinoy Style).

GO FIGURE

"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all."
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
'It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?"

ETO PA....

I couldn't care a damn!
What's your next class before this? (ANO DAW???!!!)
Nothing in this world is perfect except the word "change"
My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs! (Translation: Daming pasalubong ng tatay ko.)
I'm very iterated!!! (translation: galit sya! haha!)
I'm sorry, my boss just passed away. (translation: kakadaan lang ng boss nya.)
Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?
What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?
Don't touch me not!
Hello?... For a while, please hang yourself...
Hello McDo? Mag-i-inquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal? (yung pang-batang pagkain)
You!!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a a man anymore! (hmmm...sounds familiar)
Out of fit ako these days eh... (translation: di sya nakakapag exercise)
Come, lets join us!
I'm the world champion of the World!!!

Just wanted to share my little moment of stupidity.

I bought a crispy chicken sandwich, some fries and a medium order of coke from McDonald's for lunch while walking home from the post office today. I was staring at the paper cup which had "I'm loving it" in various languages written all over it (to go with their "I'm loving it" commercial). So they had amo muito, ich liebe, me encanta, and all these things, when suddenly I saw a phrase that I couldn't seem to place.

"Love ko to". I'm such a moron. It was tagalog! Or well, an approximation of it anyway, because technically it should have said "Mahal ko 'to" and not "love ko 'to". Then again, tagalog, being the dynamic language that it is, has always borrowed heavily from other tongues so it shouldn't really come as a surprise that english has embedded itself in the vernacular.

But how moronic was I not to have recognized my native dialect? Stupid, stupid Wanda.

John and I are geeking out tonight. We've set a three-way date with the TV and we're watching Star Trek: Nemesis.

So this weekend I was on domestic duty. Baked a pretty good strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake, some chocolate chip cookies (with leftover white chocolate chips), and tested out the stuffed cornish hen recipe.

I also persuaded John to pick up two Vestby chest of drawers from Ikea on his way home from work tomorrow. As for me, I will need to get the $35 money order from the post office and a swiffer duster. (Yes, I'm a fan of the swiffer system.) Will also rotate clothes soon (change from Fall/Winter to Spring/Summer). I guess spring break means spring cleaning. Oh well.

Upon Reflection...

I was just reading other's people's blogs (especially Naya's), and it just struck me how much my outlook on life has changed. I'm not surprised that it changed, don't get me wrong; I'm not stupid. But I am surprised at the changes that have somehow crept up on me without my noticing.

It's sad. I feel like I'm no longer the bundle of unbridled self-assurance that I once was. I feel too many aches and pains to believe that I'm invincible, even in my own little universe. My superiority complex -- that thing which has supported my passions and my convictions all my short life -- has hidden away in the black holes of my mind. Suddenly, I can no longer guarantee my future to myself. There's a new voice in my head, and it's telling me something I never wanted to hear: "honey, maybe you're just ordinary, after all".

Naya talked about how people talk about artists going through their seasons, their ups and downs, blah blah blah. Maybe this is another stretch of artistic drought. Maybe.

All I know is, it is used to be so easy. There used to be metaphors everywhere I turned, waiting to be plucked out of the air. The words used to form themselves across the page, almost. Now it's a struggle. A constant struggle in my head. The voices I counted on are getting softer, the pictures are getting hazier. And I want to hold on but I'm not sure that I can.

What if I've been lying to myself all this time? The ultimate poser. Trying to trick even myself.

I've just tried to write another chapter to my novel, but the computer screen just taunted me for half an hour. Staring at me, the whiteness, the blankness, was a nightmare.

The mirror in the bathroom was no better. "Who are you?", it seemed to ask.

Who indeed.

John went out with his co-workers tonight. I have a paper due on Monday, but in between reading and writing, I was able to wreak a little havoc in the kitchen.

So I made two stuffed cornish hens and then some cheese and garlic tortellini with tomato sauce and lots of parmesan cheese.

Right now I'm making a strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake. I wish I had an electric oven though. The cake would look better.

Oh, we just got the coolest thing. We now have this little gizmo that lets us turn house appliances off and on through either the remote control pad or John's computer. It's called the X10 Powerhouse, I think. So cool (yes, I'm a frickin' dork). So when I'm all curled up and half asleep, and then I suddenly realize that I forgot to turn the kitchen lamp off, I can just reach for the control pad and ever so effortlessly switch it off with just a little push of my finger. It's the perfect thing for lazy butts like me.

Nighty Night.

Is it true? Is Ateneo now a non-smoking campus? Que Horror! How do the students cope with the stress and the long breaks, and the Dacanays and the Ferriols of the world?

Anyway, my wrist is getting much better. The only thing is I scraped some skin off my thumb, which makes it just a little hard for me to shower and stuff.

SKi pictures up soon. Or not. Depends on how much time I'll have these coming days.

Guess that's it.

Sprained my wrist so can't type much.

Went to the Adirodacks this weekend. Snow sports up in Lake Placid. Saturday was ski day, much fun. Only fell twice. Actually getting better, and am starting to feel like this is a sport I can be decent in. Sunday wenn snowboarding. Fun, but fell on my ass too many times to count plus bruised my butt and sprained my wrist. Was all worth it, though. Would do it again, definitely. Sliding down the slope was no problem, but turning and stopping without falling were. I can do heelside turns without wiping out, but toe side turns are death. Anyway, much fun.

John had to wash my hair tonight because I'm injured. Hehe.

I don't want to go into the details, but apparently, my international student status in this country is in jeopardy. Everything shall be made clearer on May 16 (when the powers that be decide), but in the meantime I've been doing research, and asking, and looking at options, and it kind of looks scary.

After a long visit to the law offices of certain "eagles" who shall remain nameless (thank god for the fraternal bonds invoked by the blue and white), I realized that my options are more limited than I thought, and what options I do have are not very, err, good. Yay, hoorah.

Employment-based Visa:
1. Employment based sponsorships now have a quota. That quota has been reached for this year, so all new applications will be entered for next year, and cannot be processed until October. The thing is, at the rate things are going, the quota for next year will probably be met pretty soon as well (if it hasn't already), and so the vicious cycle beings.

2. For an employment based visa, I would need experience of 3 years or more (minimum), preferably local, or an advanced degree directly related to my work, neither of which I have.

3. People aren't really hiring.

4. Atrocious legal fees will make me bankrupt for the next 5 years.

5. I have yet to find a job.

School Transfer:
1. Deadlines for fall admissions were in January.

2. Schools will only credit 6 units of past work done (I am in my 3rd semester, which means out of the total 36 units required for my masters, I've already completed 18 and am midway the next 6, so by May I would have had a total of 24!).

3. Loss of my partial scholarship and subsequent funding.

Ugh.

I want to make a trip to Madagascar. I'm becoming more and more aware of this country, and to top it all of, I'm supposed to be like it (scroll down). I think a visit to this island will be in my to-do list for the next five years.

And more crap we love to post (c/o of too many blogs to enumerate):

The most common interests of people who like solitude are...
music, reading, writing, poetry, books, art, photography, movies, rain, love...

The most common interests of people who like purple are...
music, reading, movies, writing, love, cats, books, poetry, art, sex...

The most common interests of people who like chocolate chip cookies are...
movies, art, reading, photography, cats, music, chocolate, road trips, books, tattoos...

These and similar factoids will be revealed when you Query The Universal Mind.



You're Madagascar!

Lots of people don't really know anything about you, making you buried treasure of the rarest kind. You love nature, and could get lost in it whenever possible. You're remote and exotic, and the few people who know you value whatever they share with you a great deal. For some reason, you really like the word "lemur".

Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Interesting.

I am now a fan of Thomas Mann, and I'm taking a break just to share that thought with you. Funny that just when I announce that I won't be blogging as much as I used to, I immediately start blogging with incredible frequency. Should have expected that, I suppose.

Anyway, if you've never read him before, I suggest you start with Mario and the Magician, then Tonio Kroeger, and then finally work your way to Death in Venice. It's whole lot nicer that way, instead of just going straight to Death. (I read Death in college and I hated it.)

"He went the way that he must go, a little idly, a little irregularly.... and if he went the wrong way it was because for some people there is no such thing as a right way. Asked what in the world he meant, he gave various answers, for he was used to say that he bore within himself the possibility of a thousand ways of life, together with the private conviction that they were all sheer impossibilities."

Am I the only one compelled to nod her head? And yet I feel the urge to reach for that thing that I am convinced is impossible. But not for the reasons you think.

"Literature is not a calling, it is a curse, believe me! When does one begin to feel the curse? Early, horribly early... It begins by your feeling yourself set apart, in a curious sort of opposition to the nice, regular people; there is a gulf of ironic sensibility, of knowledge, of skepcticism, disagreement between you and the others... you realize you are alone..."

A painful thing when you're only seven. I was very anti-social as a kid.

"When these worthy people are affected by a work of art, they say humbly that this sort of thing is a gift. And because in their innocence they belive that beautiful and uplifiting things must have beautiful and uplifting causes, they never dream that the 'gift' in question is a very dubious affair and rests upon extrememly sinister foundations..."

Extremely sinister foundations. Oh yes, sinister indeed.

You're Prufrock and Other Observations!

by T.S. Eliot

Though you are very short and often overshadowed, your voice is poetic and lyrical. Dark and brooding, you see the world as a hopeless effort of people trying to impress other people. Though you make reference to almost everything, you've really heard enough about Michelangelo. You measure out your life with coffee spoons.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Had to switch to ennetation from squawkbox, because squawkbox wanted money. The downside to this, dear boys and girls, is that all past comments have now been deleted.

Gone, kaput; they no longer exist. At least not in this blog, and certainly not in the archives of squawbox (they may linger as blurry half-memories in your brain, but I'm sure once you start exercising it a little more, the cobwebs of my comments will eventually fall from your synaptic impulses).

Anyway. I want to redesign this whole thing, but I:
a. Have no time
b. have no idea what I want it to look like
c. am too lazy.

However, if you suggest something, I will try to remember it when I actually commence the site overhaul (which will probably happen sooner than you and I both think... then again, maybe not). So, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Bigger text, different font, different color scheme, different layout, layout suggestions, whatever you have in mind, folks, I shall endeavor to please... only if it pleases me first, of course.

Blabbering again. Nasty habit.

At the risk of sounding like the biggest dork in the galaxy, I just learned that there is a DNA fan club (well, sort of) and I actually quite excitedly took out a membership for ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Appreciation Society.

Well, for what it's worth, Neil Gaiman must like Douglas Adams too, as his name is prominently displayed in the list of members.

I sort of feel like a Trekkie, only a little drop cooler. (I must now admit that I actually watched a considerable amount of Star Trek in my err, youth.) At least Hitchhiker's Guide is, well, British. And British things always sound more intellectual. And less prosaic. And it always seems like they display an aura of ennui for the rest of the world. (And they even use phrases like less prosaic and an aura of ennui to perpetuate their air of less prosaic-ness and certain ennui-ness.)

Plus they have killer accents. Even the most moronic things can sound a little dignified in London-ese... of course, you'll have to understand whatever was said to even realize it was moronic in th first place.

I'm blabbering. I'm tired. Sparing you now. Go to bed.

Just a little breather.

You won't be hearing from me as often as you've probably gotten used to in the next few months, while I'm writing the first draft of my novella anyway. When engrossed in perpetuating the worlds in my head, I find it distracting to write diaristically. It somehow feels like I'm diluting my fiction, stretching it unnecesarily, so I try not to do it.

And anyway, honestly, it just feels so bothersome to have to ground myself in experiences and the rules of this reality when just a few minutes earlier I was master of my own universe and could write the world however I damn well please.

In a nutshell, fiction comes first in my world, however paradoxical and contradictory that may sound.

I've also been reading a lot, and that in itself takes up a lot of time. Ah, but of couse, that's time well spent. Thomas Mann's "Tonio Kroeger" was good reading, I think. So was Fyodor Dostoevsky's "Notes from the Underground". I've been very concerned with man's consciousness, and I've been trying to find out if this should be any different from woman's. (Voice in background, don't know who: Carry on, carry on.)

And to rejuvenate my brain, I also got into Douglas Adam's "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency", which is a hilarious mystery involving ghosts, time machines, and electric monks. I will probably follow that up with "Salmon of Doubt", which I just received from the mail (bought it second hand, my cheapo soul).

Sorry if this post sounds a little blurry. I took my cue from the recent weather. It's been refreshingly foggy of late, which is nice when your eyes have grown tired of the crystal clear.

Am I happier now than before? How does one quantify joy so that we can measure?

Kung bakit pilit kang sumasayaw sa tuktok ng karayom.

Anyway, below is my lazy attempt at poetry. Now we all know why I'm never going to be recognized as a notable poet. Haha. I'm posting it because a memory played in my head, and my sister (for whom the thing below is titled) was in it.

For Lia

It can't be easy
one foot sliding around the edge
as another clings precariously
eyes straight into the faraway
where the silver doesn't gleam
and the light doesn't blink in one's eyes
hands curved yet stretched out
stiff with grace
while arms struggle to seduce
and balance -- simutaneous chores
and every step lands in the
exact same space
that is not nothing
one solitary needle reaching for heaven
an anorexic tower rooted in
too many dense thoughts
thinned by living from day to day
And still she pirouettes
at the point of a needle
turning over and over
eyes into the faraway.

Message to all Assumptionistas HS Batch '98 from Ms. Julita

Cynthia Casaclang passed away yesterday from leukemia. She was a chemo survivor and her cancer had been in remission for two years before this. Please remember her (with Sab Roxas and Ge dela Cruz) in your prayers if you do pray.

A notice for the wake will be posted as soon as I'm told the details.