cebu manghuhulas, outpost, etc

I saw a fortune teller last weekend in Cebu. I had a palm reading and a card reading, and it was tons of fun -- so much so that I brought my ENTIRE family to get their fortunes told. Old Madam Luz should've given me a cut with the amount of business I gave her.

Highlights (the ones I'm willing to share, anyway - the other bits are a little too personal):

* I will have one marriage and one separation (uh yeah, check)
* I shall have twins (!!!)
* I will change my residence regularly
* I have a cute foreigner (white guy) admirer
* I'm very fickle-minded
* My livelihood entails getting many small payments over the course of my life (freelance... or wait, do I hear royalties?)
* I won't get married again
* All my life's dreams will take oodles of time and patience to achieve
* My mind is very focused on two things: love and career (to the detriment of everything else, apparently).

On Saturday night, the wife of my dad's co-worker got her cousin to take us around Cebu. We went to all the usual suspects: Loft, Vudu, and Forma. Got bored quickly, probably because I don't dance and there were no good-looking men, and the places had a tendency to be packed with clique-ish Koreans, and the music sucked, and there were no good-looking men.

I told our kind host that we wouldn't be averse to going to a place where we can just drink and listen to a local band. She took us to Outpost, where we spent the rest of the night listening to Cebuano rock (sung mostly in English). The place had a homey, neo-hippie feel, kind of like Sanctum back in the day or SaGuijo now, except Outpost is much bigger. I think it's basically a revamped old Spanish house. Apparently, it's the nexus of Cebu's indie music scene. Fun times. Plus the beer was cheap.

Cebu camwhorage to follow.

So, ummm... some drama that I have to get off my chest

Dear BUNJ,

I think I'm going through moving blues. I know I’ve moved many times before, and maybe I should be used to this. Except, this time it’s different.

This time, I feel like I’m not just packing things to move to another place. I feel like I’m packing up a life, like I’m packing up a part of me. And it’s a me that will never be real anywhere else. It’s a me that no one else will know or understand because I only lived it with one other person. It’s a me that only I’ll remember, maybe.

Once upon a time, not too long ago I lived life as one member of a duo. Once upon a time, I could count on someone else to always be just there, for whatever. Once upon a time, I could count on someone else to download my weird movies and even weirder shows, and sit with me and watch them all - no matter how odd or moronic. Once upon a time, I would come home to my very own MP3 player already pre-loaded with my favorite songs. Once upon a time I knew someone who cuddled me just because.

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I was someone who got excited over ice cream makers and cookie recipes. I was someone who cooked dinner every single night and did the laundry and who monitored the rise and fall of the price of beef. I was someone who went home knowing that there’s someone who could make the day seem just that much better. I was someone who grew hydroponic tomatoes for fun and watched zombie movies because it made someone else happy. I was someone who went to the gym and gave back rubs and who got excited over making a steak dinner for two, and would buy a bottle of moscato from the wine store across the street for dessert. I was someone who lived life with someone else factored into my equation. I was someone who counted the days to anniversaries. I was someone who was part of a couple. I was someone who was loved and who loved in return.

I’m moving away from that. I’m moving away from all of that. And part of me doesn’t want to… but a bigger part of me knows that I have to. Because we’ve changed. Because for better or for worse, we aren’t who we used to be.

When I leave, I will never be able to come back to this. And I don’t mean Vegas or even the US. I mean I will never be able to come back to who I am -- who I was. Because really, there won’t be anything to come back to. There won’t be a Wanda-shaped hole into which I can refit myself. I expect that you would have moved on. The world would probably have shifted and crashed and rebuilt itself. When I leave, I won’t be able to come back, because even if I tried, I know nothing will be the same.

I’m not moving from a place. I’m moving from a reality that’s not mine anymore. I’m moving from a paradigm that I no longer belong to. I’m moving from someone I used to be.

So I guess this is goodbye.

John, you helped me find myself by loving me. And you helped me find myself again by letting me go.

I’ve given you a part of me that I will never be able to get back, but always know that I never regretted a single minute of it. Always know that you were loved, with all that I had in me. And you were worth it. And a part of me will always love you. Will always be thankful for the privilege of being a part of your life. Will always think of you as one of her bestest friends. Always. I’ll miss Wanda Yang, but I’ll miss you even more.

I know "we" didn't fail. Success just came a little differently. We made each other better. We helped each other find our respective paths. And now we're leaving each other strong enough to take the roads we each have to take - even if that means going separate ways.

Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for loving me as much as you did. Thank you for everything.


Love,
W

Leave Out All the Rest -- Linkin Park

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrongs that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

hullo

Reading and writing are my drugs of choice. And I mean this almost literally.

I have discovered that I can go days and days without thinking about the real world. That's quite a scary thought, if you really think about what that means. My fridge is near empty. My pantry is empty. I haven't cleaned the kitchen sink. I've been living off on frozen pizza and canned tuna for days, and I hadn't even noticed. No, I had not even noticed.

It came to me today, that I can be an extremely low-maintenance type of person. I don't even need to talk to another person face to face -- a few minutes on YM or an email or two seem to satisfy any urge to socialize. I can eat whatever is available. I can stay in almost the exact same spot with just a laptop and I'll be okay. (I can get my dose of literature via ebooks.) It's a strange sort of self-realization.

I'm going to turn into a cat lady, aren't I? One of those crazy ladies living in an, old, musty house, tending to a bizarre number of feline companions. I confess, that has been one of my fears for myself. This tendency towards solitude does not bode well, because I actually enjoy it. Given enough of it, I may just disappear from the face of the earth, never to be seen again, except as the strange old woman nobody really knows and nobody cares to know.

So today I've decided something. I'm going to the library to work. At least there I'll be surrounded by actual felsh-and-blood people. We may never talk to each other beyond a nod and a brief hello, but at least we'll be together, constant reminders of a real world beyond our heads. We can all be alone together. Or something.

***

I had a strange kind of dream last night. One of those dreams that make you look deep into yourself when you wake up. Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

Have fun Everyone

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July!

God Bless America!

Ani DiFranco's Hypnotized

HYPNOTIZED

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go
And the traffic was hissing by
And i was homesick
And i was high

I was surrounded by a language
In which i could say only hello
And thank you very much
But you spoke so i could understand
And i drew a treasure map on your hand

And you were no picnic
You were no prize
But you had just enough pathos
To keep me hypnotized
Hypnotized

The map led to an island
In a sea of store-bought dreams
Where soulless singers sang
Over beats built by machines

And lovely girls were hovering
Above my head like gulls
With their long slender necks
And their delicate skulls

And i was no picnic
I was no prize
But i had just enough sweetness
To keep you hypnotized
Hypnotized

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go

An amazing Welshman and Ani

Saw Ani Difranco's concert last night. Awesome. Her opening act was a Welshman named Martyn Joseph, who was really cool as well. The only sad part was that it seemed like his lyrics went over a lot of heads...

Anyway. New fave songs: Hypnotize, Both Hands.

Upload for you later.

So time to pick myself up

Yeah, I kind of had a breakdown yesterday. I guess I couldn't help it - so many things to do, so many things happening all around me; it seems my world is constantly shifting and turning every which way, and I'm basically all alone. And you know, sometimes I find it hard to ask for help.

But I'm ok now, I think. At least I can breathe.

And it looks like bits and pieces are slowly falling into place.

For one thing, I got a two-month scholarship to learn Spanish in Barcelona next year. For another, most of the financial stuff has been taken care of and I don't really have anything to stress about anymore. I still have to figure out the internals, but it'll happen... eventually.

And I guess that's it.